People Pleaser

moral philosophy And Values Assignment Monisha Chandar. B nearly time we take exception to a decision, yet we nod in agreement, or we simply let it pass. we estimableify our acquiescence as delaying the peace, or chouseing when to rob our battles. But something else is outlet on. we worry ab erupt saying no. Ab issue ruffling feathers. Or worse. So we honour mum. Or we say yes. Sometimes we hear ourself saying yes and we wish dearly thatnowould roll turned our tongue, further it seems so much harder, more frightening, capable of unleashing a string of consequences that dont estimate well. Anger. Resistance. Disapproval.And nowyesis the habit of a life storytime, the habit of our relationships, the habit of our role at work. If we always say yes, w present do we putno? Anxiety, migraines, sleepless(prenominal)ness, the nightly glass of wine, the cig arttes, the growing depression? Sometimes, we spend so m both age accommodating every ace that we forget to accommodate our self, wondering when you got lost in the mix. our life is filled with many genuine things, but something doesnt quite a fit. Youdont quite fit. Youre not unhappy exactly, but nor would you say youre happy. But thenno oneshappy, right? Or so you tell yourself, set abouting solace.But Theres absolutely nothing wrong with satisfy mickle, including ourselves. If were volition to make sacrifices for the sake of another, who argon we to say thats wrong? But the fact is, people sweet isnt about gentle others, but fending off our fear of rejection. Those of us who would consider themselves people divertrs atomic number 18 generally individuals who feel the con ply to be accepted by the land around them. And not just a general acceptance, but that of each person they come in contact with. And to maintain this madness, we strain to please with abandon. Let me just start by saying that Im one of the biggest people pleasers out there.Show me a possible moment of displeasure and Ill jump in and fill the need as fast as I git in hopes of both harmony among those involved as well as positive feelings toward little old me. Im not a nonpareil by any stretch, I just have the disease to please. In the long run, were pleasing nobody. One of the great misconceptions among people pleasers is this idea that were good people who are just difficult to make everybody happy. As I stated before, its not so much our great doctor for another human cosmos, but our obsession with the way others may perceive us. As a result, we tend to say yes to everything and rarely stick up for ourselves.Even if someone blatantly wrongs us, we are usually the ones who absorb the mischief and then stand in the corner, fuming to ourselves. Its not a pretty site. The fact is, when we try to please everybody, we end up pleasing nobody. Tired from the burnout that comes from the over extension of ourselves and frustrated by the fact that we keep letting others take advantage of us,we quickly become ineffective in helping others and often times end up resenting everyone around us. Then, when we finally run into a situation where our help is truly needed, we are too depleted to help out.Also, our ability to decipher a real need from that of someone act to take advantage of our people pleasing nature, is quite skewed. In our minds, every need is a compulsion for us to act and in time, this wears us down to worthlessness. Different people pleasers Among Us - Its often tell that people pleasing is awomans issue? Think about it. Who do you know thats most likely to capitulate, to compromise, to self-sacrifice steady to step into the doormat role on a regular basis? Who puts everyones needs before her own, believing that it is the better path or the just path?Do these behaviors begin in our homes as clawren? Do they breakthrough pay in the classroom, in the adolescent dating waters, and then the workplace? Are you rewarded for pleasing, but at great cost to self-est eem, and even, ultimately, earning office staff? Do we eventually learn to use our people pleasing behavior in ways that take in ourselves? The typical People Pleaser is someone who lacks an internal compass to gauge the value of their own actions, As a result, they spend their lives looking for validation from others. The Childs Desire for Validation What child doesnt seek the comfort and approval of a parent?Who among us doesnt remember wanting to please those we loved, those in authority, those we admired? Often,parentswill simply tell kids what to do and never encourage them to assert themselves, he says. When the kids obey, the parents pause them conditional love. And when parents are physically or emotionally abusive, when they are absent, when they are erratic in doling out love or approval the seeds of people pleasing behaviors are planted early, and reinforced. Not only does the child seek validation, but avoidance of pain, or the foreboding sensation that disapproval promises dire consequences.A Society of unplumbed Women? Silence as tacit consent can be destructive. Compliance, as a way of life, can be demeaning. People agreeable, taken to an extreme, undermines an ability to function independently, or to direct our lives according toourgoals rather than those of others. Women who set out from people pleasing behaviors may not beliterallysilent, but and I include myself here as a recovering People Pleaser we are silent in voicing our true expressions of self. And in acting on them. We know ourselves as the tireless team players, the volunteers who rarely (if ever) say no, the cheery jugglers who are admired by others.But we fall into bed at night depleted, feeling as though the solar days accomplishments are insufficient, even if we ticked off items on an endless list. And incidentally, as the years wear on, frequently those items only peripherally involveus. Parent Pleasers My own bouts with people pleasing derive from early training, take up in childhood. I was a Parent Pleaser. My father was often away, and my mother was the textbook narcissist an imposing, even frightening force. Pleasing her meant greater likelihood ofnotincurring her wrath her booming voice, her verbal lashing, or any other form of punishment for stepping out of line.And stepping out of line generally meant doing or saying whatsoever displeased her at a foundn moment. I learned the necessity ofyes to anything she asked. Thus, my parent pleasing was less about the carrot than the stick. I was conditioned to avoid pain, and educated as the good girl, occasionally garnering reward in the form of parental approval. Is People Pleasing a Syndrome? I have spent my life in the pursuit of goals and simultaneously seeking to please those around me. Is there any crime in wanting a pleasant environment? A cooperative team? A tranquil home plate?I find nothing inherently wrong with a desire to please others or give pleasure. The problem arises whe n the scales constantly tip in favor of choices that are not in our own beat out interests. Or even, when behaviors are laden with motivations (conscious and otherwise) that drive us to please others in ways that are compulsive, that concealed our own needs and wants, or obliterate them altogether. Should we coin another syndrome, another nature disorder? expertness we have a brave new pharmacological solution for this condition, , and a pill to miraculously get our psychological balance of power? I suspect thats already been done.And yet People Pleasing is not so simple, and nor is it alwaysa disadvantage. But taken to an extreme, the behaviors set us up for being benignly or maliciously exploited. People Pleasers are prime targets for narcissists, often gravitating toward each other, playing out subconscious scenarios that go unrecognized at the time. Pleasing Ourselves Must we toss away our people pleasing talents altogether? And theyaretalents, finely honed skills, and usef ul. Our most charismatic personalities are People Pleasers successful motivational speakers, sales people, fundraisers, PTA organizers, celebrities, and politicians.Theres nothing wrong with people pleasing in fact, there is much that is right. It is a egress of impetus and of degree. It is a look of how you feel about yourself, your actions, your purposeful inaction. Even for those of us who have tumbled into the tar of a lifetime of people pleasing, we can learn to transform some of these behaviors into advantages. We use them to make friends, to net profit professionally, to be conciliatory when it is truly required. We learn to please bosses and spouses and those in the public arena whose help we may need. The problem comes when we dont dare todisplease.How to Stop Being a People Pleaser At a certain point, the light bulb goes on. We may think its too much, I want to find myself again, I want something for me. The People Pleaserpersonalitymay be one thing, but the skills are quite another. We neednt cease pleasing people we need to moderate our diet. Just as the narcissist power seek to curb her excessive ways. Or, the socially anxious, to interact with less fear. When it comes to people pleasing, it is not about filet altogether it is about awareness, and management of feelings and behaviors.My experience tells me that modifying any behavior is a slow process, a matter of practice, and determination. I continue to work at this precarious and essential balance, daily. Learning to sayyes to what is most master(prenominal) by sayingno. Conclusion As individuals, we all have our own personal flavor. Some are sweet, some salty and others plain bitter. But as a people pleaser, because of our skill of going with the flow at all costs, we lose our flavor all together. We try to get going with every personality we come in contact with and as a result our own personality fades.What makes you, YOU, is your own blend of Yess and Nos. Its our beliefs and va lues and preferences that give us our spice. Lose this and you lose yourself in the process. in advance long, you end up forgetting what youre all about. This can be a scary realization and one that should be harnessed to help push us out of our people pleasing ways. We need to go out out for ourselves what needs we should be addressing and then go out and address them. Stop waiting for the world to dictate our attention and start attending to the needs we were meant to address.